7 December 2015

Prem Ratan Dhan Payo

I am terribly terribly terribly ashamed to admit that I watched this film. In its entirety. But less ashamed to say that at least I didn't spend any money to do so. #WorkBenefits

A part of me understands why Salman Khan did this film. The director helped launch his career way back when dinosaurs still roamed the earth, so Salman did like owe him a big one. And other than that, he got to be like heartthrob man once again. And at his age, and level of balding and wrinkles why wouldn't he jump at that chance? 
I  mean, I freak out when I realise that I am no longer a teen, why wouldn't Salman Khan, a man who gets paid for the way that he looks do the same?
Let it be known that beyond this point there will no nice words and/or compliments thrown around. Now, my friends, the rant truly begins.
I get that bollywood is a big thing, hell, its one of the most prominent religions of my country. But it is fair to exploit the poor people who revere Salman as their lord and saviour by making them watch what I can only imagine is a weird dream that the director had?
Lets face it, the movie is shit. Pure, unadulterated shit. And anyone who says otherwise is being paid to do so.
There is an intense lack of a story. Salman did Judwaa like eons ago and hey, that made money so why in the world should we not do it again? In case, it wasn't obvious he has a double role in the film. Because it was the only conceivable way to fill as much of the screen time with him as possible. Like seriously, did the other actors even get paid for the 5 mins that they were on screen for? I mean, if I was Sonam Kapoor, who lets be fair is literally no one's favourite, and I was expected to be chummy with a man who had acted with MY FATHER I would expect a whole bunch of moolah.  
Salman Khan plays both the prince and the pauper *cough*Judwaa*cough* in some principality, while riding chariots. So one would think that after the fiasco of Veer he would have gotten over that non sense, but no, bring on the chariots. And don't for a second think that it is set in olden times, because the palace is covered in wifi and iPhones. Where is this village and how do they get better signal than Delhi does?
Anywho, Prince Salman is a bit of a prick and his brothers try to off him to get some money. Psst, hi Neil Nitin Mukesh, take off the diamond laden necklace you wear and sell it. No bloodshed and money in the bag.  Instead of killing they end up putting him in a weird coma and hide him in a cave. And then, the grand reveal of Pauper Salman. Who is expected to take the place of Prince Salman so that the entire village is like, is all cool, bro.
Let's just a take a minute to realise that while they lived in this teeny village NO ONE ELSE realised that there are two people who look EXCATLY the same in every conceivable way. What, did they think that Prince Salman was doing the Akbar thing and walking around the commoners to figure out how the populace were dealing? 
Pauper Salman takes to royalty very well, and even falls in love with Princess Ratan. I bet the producers were oh, so proud that they managed to fit the names like that.
What is this supposed to be?
Some random kerfuffle erupts for about two hours and is interspersed with TEN songs that were composed by India's jewel Himesh Reshemiya. There is of course a happy ending, and if you somehow managed to stay awake till them then the happy ending was that you got to leave.  
The movie is great is you are looking for inspiration for outfits, jewellery or how to not design your palace. Do I really need to tell you not to watch this eye sore of a film?

The Good:We have found a new level of suckage.

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